A Vampire in Gotham II
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The sequel to my story, "A Vampire in Gotham," suggested by Verdella Frost. As Halloween approaches, Gotham City is anything but treated when Count Dracula rises from the grave to take vengeance on those who destroyed him. Namely, Batman and the Joker. Happy Halloween, everyone! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**A Vampire in Gotham II**

In the ruins of an old, dilapidated church in the East Side of Gotham City, a man was huddled over a pile of ashes. He was dressed in nothing but the tattered remains of an old inmate uniform that bore the insignia of Arkham Asylum, and he rocked back and forth on his knees, his hands clasped in a kind of prayer as he whispered a fast series of words in an ancient tongue. He crossed himself at last, beginning the cross upside-down, in a perversion of the usual gesture. And then he scooped up the ashes, cradling them as gently and reverently as a baby as he gazed up at the moon shining through the broken beams of the church's ceiling.

"Tonight is the night, Master," he whispered. "When you shall be restored to life and take vengeance on all those who have wronged you. I have waited so long for your return, for the night when you shall subjugate all creatures to your will and make them submit to your dark power. Especially he who takes your name and your image in vain – the Batman. He shall be punished most, for daring to presume upon your greatness. He will be on his knees begging for your mercy, and you will show him none, oh merciless one."

He placed the ashes on the ruins of an altar, overgrown with weeds and ivy. He reached into his pocket and picked out several used stubs of black candles, placing these by the side of the ashes and lighting them. He then picked up an ornate, ceremonial dagger, studded with jewels, its sharp blade shining in the moonlight.

"From ashes to ashes and dust to dust, arise, my Dark Master," he whispered. "Taste the fluid of life!"

The man plunged the blade into his arm, cutting down it and holding the dripping gash over the ashes. The blood splattered onto the pile and made a strange hissing noise as fog began bubbling up from nowhere, enveloping the altar. Strange screams and cries filled the church, and the man fell to his knees, muttering more prayers and chants, his eyes alight and fixated on the mist in front of him, the mist that gradually formed into the shape of a man.

The man who had performed the ritual fell to the ground, his face buried in the dirt as he gasped, "My Dark Lord and Master, Count Dracula! You have returned at last!"

The man lying on the altar stood up slowly, his black cloak billowing around him. "Where am I?" he murmured.

"You are in Gotham City, Master," whispered the man.

"Gotham City?" repeated Dracula, puzzled. "The same place where I met my latest demise?"

"Yes, Master," said the man, nodding. "Your followers knew you had returned and come here, but your demise was reported before we knew where or how you had returned. I spent many months tracking down what had happened to you, and what became of your remains."

"There was a clown and…a bat man," murmured Dracula, remembering. "Do they still live?"

"Oh yes, Master!" cried the man. "The Batman must pay for impersonating you, for perverting your glorious darkness in the name of justice!"

"The clown is the one who killed me," muttered Dracula. "With the Batman's help."

"Oh, then they will pay a hundredfold, Master!" said the man, eagerly. "We shall wreak revenge and havoc on them!"

"We?" repeated Dracula, raising an eyebrow.

The man prostrated himself again. "Forgive me for presuming, my Dark Master, but I would be honored to aid you in your quest for vengeance. I have long been a devoted and loyal follower of yours, and to even stand in your presence is a glory I never dared dream of! I am yours to command in all things!"

"Well, I am grateful for such devotion, Mr…?"

"Renfield, Master."

"Mr. Renfield, and those who serve me are rewarded. But firstly, I will need a place to inhabit suitable to my specific needs…"

"I thought this church would be suitable, Master," said Renfield, gesturing around. "I have made all the preparations in cleaning out the crypt and finding you a new coffin to rest in."

Dracula looked pleasantly surprised. "You have done very well, Mr. Renfield," he said. "Are there others like you? Loyal followers to me and my cause?"

"Not in Gotham, Master," murmured Renfield. "None of them would come all this way. None of them are as loyal as I."

Dracula studied him curiously. "Your clothing is strange, even for this time period, I believe," he commented.

"Oh yes, forgive me, Master, for not attiring myself in a manner befitting your splendor," he said, bowing low again. "I still wear the trappings of my false imprisonment."

"Imprisonment?" repeated Dracula.

"The people here believe me to be insane, Master," murmured Renfield. "They do not comprehend your dark power and believe in your greatness. They are fearful of acknowledging the possibility of such a mighty being as you, and so they sought to silence me, and lock me away in a madhouse forever. But I fooled them all. I escaped, and they will pay for their insolence when you have claimed illimitable dominion over all their pathetic, unbelieving souls."

Dracula considered for a moment. While he himself doubted this man's complete sanity, there was no denying that such a devoted and loyal follower and helper would be immensely useful in his quest for revenge and domination. And if none of his other followers were here, he would have to make new ones, as quickly as possible.

"Arkham Asylum," he said, reading the label on the clothing. "Are there other madmen there?"

"Oh yes, Master," whispered Renfield. "Oh yes."

"And would they be inclined to serve me?"

"I am sure you could persuade them to, Master," replied Renfield, nodding. "In fact, one who escaped recently did not believe me when I told him of your greatness and glory. It would please me very much to give him a demonstration of your limitless power, and convert him to a loyal servant of yours."

"Do you know where this man is?" asked Dracula.

"Yes, Master," said Renfield. "Shall I take you to him?"

Dracula nodded. "Lead on, Mr. Renfield."


	2. Chapter 2

"I tell you, Jervis, this time of year really exhilarates me!" said Professor Jonathan Crane, otherwise known as the Scarecrow, as he entered the apartment he shared with his friend Jervis Tetch, his arms full of Halloween decorations. "So much fear everywhere! A veritable celebration of terror!"

The weather outside was crisp and chilly – the leaves on the admittedly few trees in Gotham City's parks were turning gold, red, and brown, and crunching under the foot of its numerous pedestrians. Clouds had just started to move in, threatening rain and blotting out the autumn sunshine, so it was a relief for Crane to return home to the warmth of the apartment, just as Tetch poured a freshly-brewed pot of tea into two cups.

"I do find the autumnal weather very pleasant indeed," agreed Tetch, handing his friend a cup as they sat down at the table. "There is absolutely nothing to match the pleasure of a nice, hot cup of tea when you come in from a chilly day in the cold."

"Agreed," said Crane, taking a sip from his cup. He paused. "I daresay the Joker would tell us that we need girlfriends from a comment like that."

"Yes," sighed Tetch. "Fortunately he's not here, thank Carroll for small blessings, so don't do his jokes for him, for goodness sake. But on that score, we do need to start thinking about the Halloween party invitations."

"Oh, isn't there any way we can invite Harley and not the clown?" sighed Crane.

"I don't see how, unless you can convince her that you've suddenly developed a phobia of clowns or something," retorted Tetch. "And even then, she'd just beg you to let him come anyway. I imagine the thought of going to a party without him would be unbearable for her."

"Yes, she'd look at me with those big, beautiful blue eyes pleading, her gorgeous red lips trembling and inviting…" murmured Crane.

"Jonathan," said Tetch, warningly.

"I know, I know!" he snapped. "I'm not trying to prove hypothetical Joker right, you know! The last thing I want to imagine is his hypothetical smug grin on his hypothetical smug face!"

"I thought you said you were exhilarated about the celebration of fear, Jonathan," said Tetch. "When one is deprived of one form of passion, the only sensible thing to do is indulge in another. And human beings generally have a wide-range of interests – it seems mad to me to fixate on just one such as romantic relationships. Especially when there are many other worthwhile types of relationships out there."

"It didn't always seem mad to you, did it, Mr. Hatter?" asked Crane, lightly.

"No, I was too mad to see how terribly unhappy it was making me, because fixating on it didn't allow me to see all the other wonderful things about my life," replied Tetch. "My work in the science of the mind, my enjoyment of the Alice stories, and my friendship with you, Jonathan, were all things I took for granted and didn't appreciate because I was so intent on being miserable. I blinded myself to my life's joys just because I was deprived of one form of happiness. But there are others. Like the perfect cup of tea."

"Yes, I'm sure you're right," agreed Crane, with a sigh. "But it will be difficult to endure another evening of Harley fawning all over that monster while he stands there smiling and smiling and being a villain."

"Well, I must admit that there are few people I'd like to come to the Halloween party less," said Tetch, as he began jotting down the list of people to invite. "I mean, I honestly can't think of worse guest, aside from the Queen of Hearts."

A knock came on the front door at that moment. "I wonder who that could be," said Crane, frowning as he stood up to answer it.

His frown changed to a look of surprise as he saw the man standing behind the door. "Mr…Renfield," he stammered. "To what do I owe the…honor? And how did you get this address?"

"Hello, Professor Crane," said Renfield, smiling. "I'm pleased you remember me. It seems to me that since your transformation from Professor of psychology to Arkham inmate, you've been avoiding me."

"Well…I don't necessarily believe in mixing my personal and professional lives," replied Crane. "And since we met under a professional context, Mr. Renfield, it would be awkward for us to have a social relationship now."

"It's not a case of embarrassment about switching from an analyzer of madmen to a madman yourself then?" asked Renfield.

"No, certainly not," retorted Crane. "It was my decision to take my life in this direction. But it's good to see you out of Arkham, Mr. Renfield."

"I escaped," replied Renfield. "As you yourself did. But unlike you, Arkham is not where I belong. I am not mad, so I do not belong in a madhouse. Everything I said, everything I told you about the Master's imminent return, has come to fruition. Behold!" he said, gesturing to the man looming behind him. "The Prince of Darkness, my Lord and Master Count Dracula has returned from beyond the grave!"

Crane nodded slowly, smiling at him. "Will you excuse me for just one moment?" he asked, shutting the door. "Thank you very much."

"Who is it?" asked Tetch, looking up as Crane rubbed his temples, sighing deeply.

"Former patient of mine," muttered Crane.

"Patient?" repeated Tetch. "I thought you were primarily a teacher."

"Yes, I was," replied Crane. "But Arkham called me round to help with this one – he needed a specialist, and with my fear specialty, they assumed I'd be able to make some headway. Mistakenly, I'm sorry to say. Mr. Renfield has an acute paranoia, a religious monomania, and the delusion that he is the incarnation of the character from the novel _Dracula_."

"I'm afraid I've never read it," replied Tetch. "Those kinds of morbid stories aren't for me, Jonathan, I'm sorry. But I don't see what in particular is wrong with identifying oneself with a literary figure."

"Well, you wouldn't, would you?" asked Crane. "But in the context of the novel, the character of Renfield is not one anybody should be encouraged to emulate. He's a lunatic who consumes insects and spiders and small animals in order to ingest their life, a trick he learned from his so-called 'Master,' Count Dracula. Renfield is almost solely responsible for the near death of one of the heroines, since Dracula cannot enter a building without being invited in, and Renfield is the one who invites him into the lunatic asylum where the protagonists are staying. Fortunately the heroes manage to destroy Dracula before she can be entirely consumed by the vampire's curse. In fact, one of the most appealing things about the novel when I read it as a boy was that the heroes of the story weren't traditional heroes by any means – they weren't athletic, muscular warriors. The leader, Dr. Van Helsing, was an older, intellectual type, who used his knowledge and brains to defeat the great evil that threatened his friends. I found him a much more relatable role model than the typical action hero one usually reads about, like Batman."

"I can't see why any children would idolize a man who dresses in a bat costume and bullies people," replied Tetch. "But then I suppose children are often understandably naïve. But anyone older than the age of about twelve who idolizes Batman is clearly insane. What does this Renfield want?"

"He wants to introduce me to the man he claims is Count Dracula," sighed Crane. "Obviously he's projected his delusion onto some randomer who's decided to take advantage of the lunatic's enthusiasm to serve him. Honestly, how do these people find me?" he muttered, opening the door again and forcing a smile.

"Well, why don't you both come in?" he asked, gesturing inside.

"Thank you very much, Professor Crane," said Renfield, obeying as they both entered the room.

"This is my flatmate, Jervis Tetch," said Crane.

"How do you do?" said Tetch, extending his hand.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Tetch," said Renfield, shaking his hand. "I am R.M. Renfield, and this is my Lord and Master, the Prince of Darkness himself, Count Dracula."

"I…see," said Tetch slowly, sharing a look with Crane. "Well…would either you like a cup of tea?" he asked.

"I never drink…tea," said Dracula.

"Master consumes only the blood of the living, the vital fluid that gives and sustains life eternally," replied Renfield.

"Well, isn't that…fascinating?" said Tetch, slowly.

"Do you not believe in the Un-dead as well, Mr. Tetch?" asked Renfield. "I am aware that Professor Crane doesn't."

"I believe that there are things in the natural world that we cannot yet rationally explain, and which we call supernatural," retorted Tetch. "Which I believe is Jonathan's view as well. Science as we understand it is a relatively new medium and has yet to explore all possible avenues of research. But as someone who lives in a universe populated by super-powered aliens, I'm certainly not going to dismiss blood-drinking monsters out of hand."

"Yes, I never said I didn't believe in vampires," retorted Crane. "I was attacked by some vampire-like version of Poison Ivy and Catwoman some months ago. But then one can never be sure with those women whether they're demonically possessed or just in an hyper-sexual mood. I merely said I disbelieved that you were some sort of reincarnation of a character from a fictional novel, and that the fictional character Count Dracula was a real person."

"Well, see how wrong you are!" cried Renfield, triumphantly, gesturing at Dracula, who was glancing idly over the party invitation list Tetch had been working on. "Can you not sense the power and greatness exuding from his supreme being?"

"You are having a party?" asked Dracula, looking up at Crane.

"Yes, a Halloween party," replied Crane.

"And you are inviting the Joker?" he asked. "And his mistress?"

"I wouldn't call Harley that," retorted Crane, stiffly.

"I apologize – I am not entirely versed on modern vocabulary for a social arrangement in which a man and woman are sexual partners but unmarried," replied Dracula. "Is the preferable term whore? Or slut?"

"I think…girlfriend is probably the more appropriate word," said Tetch, glancing at Crane's livid face.

"Harley is not…a whore or a slut!" he hissed. "She is the most beautiful, most gentle, most precious angel who ever lived!"

"I am sure she is, and I meant no offense," said Dracula. "I am a stranger here and my knowledge of your vocabulary is limited. I do know of Miss Quinn by reputation only, and that reputation is as a stunningly beautiful woman."

"She certainly is," agreed Crane. "So…do you actually believe you're…the real Count Dracula?"

"How can you not believe it?!" demanded Renfield. "Look at him! Sense his power, his darkness, his…"

"I would like a quick word with Professor Crane in private, Mr. Renfield, if I may," interrupted Dracula. They went into the neighboring room, and Dracula shut the door.

"Honestly, the man is mad, but I don't know any way of getting rid of him for now," said Dracula, rolling his eyes. "The fact is, I am newly arrived in Gotham from Transylvania, and Mr. Renfield met me at the dock and has been following me ever since. I am actually here on business, and I am relieved to finally meet someone who doesn't appear to share Mr. Renfield's madness. He insists that I'm this Count Dracula person, and I don't wish to contradict him for fear of angering him and having him lash out at me violently."

"Oh. I see," said Crane. "Well, is there anything I can do to help? I can't call the police, being a wanted criminal myself, but anything else I can do…"

"It might seem a silly request, but…would you allow me the honor of attending your Halloween party?" asked Dracula. "I would welcome more connections in Gotham to broaden my social circle other than a raving lunatic."

"Well…all of the people there will be considered raving lunatics," said Crane, slowly. "But compared to Mr. Renfield, they all seem somewhat sane."

He nodded. "I see no reason to object. And you appear to already have a costume," he said, nodding at his clothes. "You'll make a splendid vampire."

Dracula smiled without showing his teeth. "Yes, Professor Crane. I certainly think I can manage that."


	3. Chapter 3

"Joker, where's Harley this evening?" asked Crane, as he opened the door to the Joker dressed in a purple vampire costume, complete with fake fangs.

"Aw, she's coming later with the girls," replied Joker. "Apparently they wanted to do some sorta witches coven thing this year – _Witches of Eastwick _or something. I told them I'd be happy to be their devil, since the guy who played the devil in the movie played me in a movie once, and I'm quite the devil myself, but Harley was outvoted by the other two, so I thought I'd go for the Dracula thing instead, considering I killed him last year."

"Did you really? Well, isn't that fascinating," said Crane, not really listening as he looked around, his mind preoccupied with his hosting duties and making sure all his guests had drinks.

"Uh huh," continued Joker, smiling. "Also, Harley and me have split up for good because she shouted out your name the last time we made love."

"Yes, very interesting, Joker," replied Crane, still not listening. "I'm sure that was splendid for you." He realized what he had said and stammered, "Wait…Harley and you have what?"

"Never been happier, thanks for asking, Johnny!" giggled Joker, clapping him on the shoulder as he headed over to the refreshment table. "That's what I love about smart guys," he laughed. "They can be some of the dumbest people on the planet."

A knock came on the door again and Crane went to answer it. "Hiya, Johnny!" cried Harley Quinn, beaming as she entered the room with Poison Ivy and Catwoman, dressed in very glamorous witch outfits.

"Harley, you look lovely," said Crane, sincerely.

"Yeah? You like it?" said Harley, smiling. "I told Red and Selina I would have preferred to be the _Hocus Pocus_ witches rather than _The_ _Witches of Eastwick_, but I was outvoted. Again. I really don't like democracy, y'know."

"I thought it would do Harley good to pretend to be an empowered woman, for once," retorted Ivy. "And _The Witches of Eastwick _is all about the assertion of the superiority of female sexuality and dominance over men."

"Is it? I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with that…movie?" guessed Crane.

"It's a book too," retorted Selina. "So that's really no excuse, Professor."

"If it was published after about 1960, I won't be familiar with it," replied Crane. "That's when literature really started to go downhill, and the psychology of why in its historical context is most interesting. I…"

"I don't really think a party is a place for a lecture, Johnny," interrupted Selina. "Save it for the University, huh?"

"Well, if an intellectual conversation seems dull to you, Selina, it's no wonder you're dating Batman," muttered Crane, under his breath.

"What?" demanded Selina.

"Nothing," said Crane, hastily. "Please help yourself to a drink."

"Pumpkin pie, aren't you just a picture!" exclaimed Joker, holding out his arms for Harley, who leaped into them with a squeak of happiness. "Who's my wicked widdle witch? I could just eat you up!"

"Mmm, and who's my vile, virile vampire?" purred Harley, kissing him. "You can bite me whenever you want, puddin'. And wherever you want. Oh, puddin'!" she sighed as he buried his face in her neck.

"So much for female empowerment," sighed Ivy, helping herself to a drink. "I kinda regret not letting you be our devil now, J. Then at least we could have all stuck pins in you and caused you a lotta pain."

"You can be my devil later tonight, puddin'," said Harley, smiling at him.

"Mmm, and I will be, pooh," he murmured, grinning. "Sticking some pins in might be just the thing to get me in the mood."

Harley giggled, and Ivy rolled her eyes as they continued kissing. "I think I'd almost prefer the real Dracula back again," she muttered. "He may have been a jerk, but at least he was hot."

A knock came on the door at that moment, and Crane went to answer it. "Good evening, Professor Crane," said Dracula, as he and Renfield entered the room.

Everyone froze as all eyes fixed on him, and in the silence that followed, Joker said, "Aw no, not you again! Why can't you and Bats just stay dead?!"

"Good evening, Mr. Joker," growled Dracula, his eyes hard and cold as he glared at him. "I am pleased you remember me."

"Hard for me to forget the guy who stabbed you in the back after you did him the favor of bringing him back to life," sniffed Joker. "Fangs off Harley this time, or I'll drive another stake through your heart, get me?" he demanded, grabbing Harley's wrist and shoving her behind him protectively.

"Hang on, you two have met?" demanded Crane.

"Of course we've met!" snapped Joker. "I just told you I killed Dracula last year!"

"But he's not…I mean…Dracula's not…real," stammered Crane.

"How did you miss this memo, Johnny?!" demanded Joker. "Of course he's real! He terrorized Gotham last year, before me and Bats showed him what happens to vampires in our town!"

"He bit me and Selina and transformed us into vampires!" continued Ivy, glaring at Dracula. "Apparently – I don't really remember the details."

"I remember when you attacked me very clearly," agreed Crane, nodding.

"Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel!" chuckled Joker.

"I remember he tried to come between me and puddin'," muttered Harley, glaring at Dracula from behind Joker. "Nobody tries to come between me and puddin'."

"Well, for a man who despises me, you seem pleased enough to emulate my style," retorted Dracula, nodding at Joker's costume.

"Yeah, I took your look, and made it better," said Joker. "I mean, people say black is chic, but it's so boring! You wanna make a statement with a suit and cape, you make 'em purple."

"And of course a wise man would take fashion advice from a clown," agreed Dracula, sarcastically.

"What are even doing here?" demanded Joker. "And how did you get in?"

"Professor Crane invited me," replied Dracula, nodding at him.

Everyone turned to stare at Crane. "Why would you invite Dracula?" demanded Joker. "You know one of his rules is that he can't come in somewhere without being invited in! Why would you be stupid enough to invite him into your home?!"

"Because I have a sense of etiquette!" snapped Crane. "Now could somebody please explain to me why everyone is suddenly talking nonsense…Jervis, you haven't put something in the punch, have you?"

"Don't look at me!" retorted Tetch.

"Then the novel _Dracula_ is not a work of fiction after all?" demanded Crane.

"The slanderous and libelous novel of which you speak is an approximate account of certain events which happened toward the end of the 19th century involving me," retorted Dracula. "But it is largely inaccurate."

"What, you mean a bunch of lawyers and doctors didn't get together and kick your ass?" asked Joker.

"I don't suppose that's any more embarrassing than a man in a bat costume kicking your ass," retorted Dracula.

"Hey, I let him win, ok?" snapped Joker. "And unless you want me to let a certain Bat-person know you're back from the dead, you'd better get the hell outta here now, Bela!"

Ivy laughed. "Nice one, J! There's nothing more insulting than comparing a guy to Bella Swan!"

"Bela who?" asked Joker.

"I will not stay at a party where I am not wanted," said Dracula. "I merely came to let you know that I have returned, Mr. Joker, and to remake your acquaintance, and that of Miss Quinn," he said, nodding at Harley and smiling. "My memory of her beauty does not fail me. Nor, I suspect, does my memory of the taste of her sweet blood…"

"My blood don't belong to anyone else but me and puddin'!" snapped Harley, angrily. "He's the only guy who's allowed to give me a hickey, see?" she said, pointing at her neck.

"How dare you defy Master, you stupid whore!" shouted Renfield, stepping forward angrily. "He will have you if he wants you, and there is nothing you can do to resist him!"

"Don't you dare talk to Harley like that, you little worm!" roared Crane. "Get out of my home right now!"

Renfield turned to smile at him. "Once invited in, Master can come and go as he pleases. You have no control over him – no one does! He is omnipotent! And he will have what he desires. All that he desires," he added, smiling unpleasantly at Harley.

"Renfield, come," said Dracula, heading for the door. "Let us leave these people to enjoy their lives. While they can," he added, turning back to smile at them.

Renfield followed him out, shutting the door behind him. Nobody spoke for several awkward minutes, until Crane said, "Well…who wants punch?"

"Me," growled Joker. "I wanna punch you in the face, Craney! This guy is no fun to fight, not like Bats! He's all supernatural and Un-dead and stuff! There's no joke in vampires, everyone knows that!"

"I don't see how I can be blamed for not believing that Dracula is a real person!" snapped Crane. "I have a scientific, analytical mind…"

"Yeah, that's your problem right there!" interrupted Joker. "Too much of a know-it-all to consider there might be things you don't know! I tell ya, Johnny, you really are an idiot!"

"Don't you worry, my dear," said Crane, coming over to Harley. "We're not going to let him get his hands on you."

"It ain't his hands I'm worried about, Johnny," said Harley, with a shudder. "It's his teeth. Last time I nearly turned into a vampire after he bit me. I nearly became just a pathetic, submissive slave to a powerful man who treated me as nothing but an object."

Crane stared at her. "And…how is that different to who you are now?"

"Because he ain't puddin'!" she said. "I enjoy being a slave for the man I love, but it ain't that fanged creep! I tell ya, he's got no respect for women."

"Damn straight," agreed Ivy. "But it'll be different this time, Harley. We all know he's around and what he wants – we'll all work together to protect you from him."

Harley looked at her skeptically. "You remember how things go when we normally all work together, Red?" she asked.

"Yes," agreed Ivy. "But it's the best chance you've got."


	4. Chapter 4

Dracula had one arm around Harley's waist, clutching her tightly against him. He had ripped her head back by her hair with his free hand, baring her throat and bringing his mouth down to her pale, white neck, despite her screaming and struggling...

Suddenly the blade of a scythe landed next to Dracula, almost slicing his face. He looked up to see Jonathan Crane standing in front of him, pointing his scythe at him. "Let her go," said Crane, firmly. "Now."

"Johnny, be careful!" cried Harley, as Dracula hissed at him, his fangs sharp and dripping with saliva.

"Let her go," repeated Crane, pulling out a crucifix from around his neck. Dracula hissed again, shrinking back from the object and releasing Harley to put his hands in front of his face. He staggered backward against the wall as Crane raised his scythe. "Cover your eyes, my dear," he murmured at Harley.

There was a scream, and Harley opened her eyes to see a pile of ash, blowing away in the wind. Crane turned away from it back to Harley, who gazed at him in adoration. "Oh, Johnny," she whispered. "You saved me."

She drew close to him and he pulled her gently into his arms, as his mouth met hers in a tender kiss…

"Hey, nerd, wake up!" shouted an unpleasant voice, startling Crane reluctantly away from his dream. He groaned, sitting up in bed as his door opened and the Joker popped his head in. "No time for sleep - it's nighttime and we got a vampire on the loose! But it's also meeting time, so you can probably sleep through that if you wanna."

"Not with Harley in danger I won't," retorted Crane, following him out into the main room of Catwoman's hideout, where Harley, Ivy, Selina, and Tetch sat around a table. They had all elected to use this as their base of operations, since Joker and Harley couldn't remember which one of their many hideouts they had invited Dracula into before.

"I still think we should tell Batman," Selina was saying.

"Yeah, we know, Selina," said Ivy, rolling her eyes. "But in case you haven't noticed, your boyfriend doesn't really get along with all of us, and I don't think any of us want to be dragged back to Arkham anytime soon."

"So you wouldn't inconvenience yourself with a stint in Arkham to keep Harley safe?" demanded Selina.

"Mostly I don't like depending on men to keep Harley safe," snapped Ivy. "We should be like _The Witches of Eastwick_, and assert our feminine power over the male cad who thinks he can just bend women to his will…"

"For God's sake, Pammie, it's a movie, not a guide to life!" snapped Joker. "Anyway, that was a devil, not a vampire."

"Aren't they basically the same thing?" asked Tetch.

"Certainly not," retorted Crane. "A vampire has rules and restrictions specific to its kind which wouldn't be effective on other types of demons. The garlic, for instance, is a uniquely vampire repellant."

"I'm sure we have some in our cupboards," said Tetch. "If you wanted me to return to our flat, Jonathan, I could collect it. It's not quite sundown, so the vampire can't go outside yet…"

"Of course he can!" snapped Crane. "Honestly, you mustn't believe everything you see in the movies, Jervis! Most of that is sensationalized rubbish!"

"Well, up until last evening, I was fairly certain that the existence of vampires was sensationalized rubbish," retorted Tetch. "So forgive me for not being able to tell the rubbish apart now."

"I've spent the morning collating some information about vampires," said Crane, ignoring him and passing around a sheet of papers. "Take one and pass it on."

"What's this about cutting off the head and stuffing the mouth with garlic?" asked Selina, making a face. "That sounds kinda disgusting."

"I'm sorry that killing a monster from hell isn't a pleasant task for you, Selina," retorted Crane. "Heaven forbid you chip a nail."

"All right, no need to take that tone with me, Professor," she retorted. "I'll do what it takes to keep Harley safe."

"I hope we all will," agreed Crane. "Isn't that right, Joker? Joker?" he repeated, for the Joker had wandered over to a skylight leading to the rooftop.

"Sorry, I wasn't listening – what was that?" he said, turning around. "Tell me, Kitty, is that your Bat-flap? So the Dork Knight can pop in here whenever he rises?" he giggled.

"It's so I have an easy escape route from my hideout in case the cops turn up, Joker," growled Selina. "I don't base my life around booty calls from Batman."

"I don't know what that means, but it sounds hysterical!" chuckled Joker.

"Do you even care that Harley's in danger?" demanded Ivy.

"Sure I do. That's why I'm checking the Bat-flap to make sure it's locked up nice and tight," said Joker, nodding. "Unlike Kitty Pie when Batsy's around. But I have every confidence that my little Harley girl can take care of herself, can't you, pumpkin pie?" he cooed, petting her.

"Well, there's only so much any of us can do against the supernatural," said Harley. "But I'll fight tooth and nail against that jerk if he tries anything. I'm a one man loon, everyone knows that, and if that Un-dead creep thinks he can change me, he's got another think coming."

"Actually, the novel _Dracula_ is about the triumph of human strength and emotion over the forces of darkness," said Crane. "It proves that such things are more powerful than the strongest evil."

"And it's fiction," said Joker, nodding. "So, y'know, there's that."

"Just because something's fictional doesn't mean it's not real, Joker," spoke up Tetch.

"No, I'm pretty sure that's the definition of fiction," replied Joker.

"What I mean to say is that even though certain events don't happen in reality, that doesn't make them any less real," replied Tetch. "A person can have a strong emotional connection and go on a spiritual journey with characters who have never existed. They can laugh at their joy and cry at their sorrows, and experience real human emotion, which surely is the measure of how real something is. I mean, even if we are all figures in the Red King's dream, that doesn't make us any less real, does it?"

Joker just looked at him. "Anybody know what the hell he's talking about?" he asked, looking around. Everyone shook their heads. "Look, even though this guy Dracula actually exists, that doesn't mean everything written in that story about him is true," continued Joker. "There's no way that a buncha nerds in that book actually beat him."

"Why not?" demanded Crane. "It may surprise you to learn, Joker, that one's brains can be a very powerful weapon."

"Well, if that were true, Eddie Nygma would be running Gotham, as opposed to lying barely conscious in Arkham after the Bat beat the crap outta him," replied Joker. "You can't beat people with brains alone. You gotta have strength and cunning and a sense of humor. But fortunately I have all of those things in spades, so Harley's got nothing to worry about."

"So what is the actual plan?" asked Ivy. "Hang around here and wait for Dracula to make his move?"

"Well, whatever happens, we mustn't leave Harley alone," said Crane. "That was their mistake in the book, so I would recommend that she has a companion with her at all times."

"You mean I gotta stay up all night in bed with her?" demanded Joker, annoyed.

"Well…I could always stay up with her," volunteered Crane. "Not in bed," he added hastily. "Not that I would be anywhere near her bed, though of course there wouldn't necessarily be anything wrong with that…"

"I know a way we can stay up in bed together, puddin'," purred Harley, kissing Joker.

"We can't do that! What if Dracula appears suddenly?" demanded Joker. "That would be really awkward!"

"Why doesn't J stay with Harley in her room, with two of us guarding that, and two of us heading off into Gotham to try to find Dracula?" suggested Ivy.

"I call heading off into Gotham with Ivy," said Selina, shooting her hand up.

"Ok. Johnny and Jervis can stay here," said Ivy, standing up. "And J, you'd better get into a room with Harley and lock yourselves in. Even if Dracula can't get into the building yet, there's no reason why that Renfield guy couldn't sneak in and invite him in. So keep yourselves under lock and key as much as possible."

"What a great plan," muttered Joker, sarcastically. "Boy, I never voluntarily put myself in jail before, toots. You'd better be grateful for this, you little brat," he said, following Harley into the bedroom.

"Do you ladies have some form of protection against the vampire if he attacks?" asked Crane. "Is there anything you can make crosses out of to carry with you?"

"Hang on," said Selina, heading over to a chest of drawers. She opened one, which was stuffed full of stolen jewelry, and rifled through it for a moment. "Here we are!" she said at last, holding up some jeweled crucifixes. "I used to think jeweled crosses were kinda tacky, but I'm glad I stole them now."

"We'll be back before sunrise," said Ivy, taking one and heading for the door. "See you then, boys."

They left, shutting the door behind them and leaving Crane and Tetch alone in the room. "What is it about Gotham and bat creatures?" sighed Tetch. "Is there something about this city that attracts them? That is, assuming Dracula can transform into a bat – that isn't sensationalized rubbish, is it, Jonathan?"

"It's all on the sheet, Jervis," retorted Crane, picking up the novel _Dracula _again. They suddenly heard noises coming from Joker and Harley's room.

"Oh…puddin'! I thought you said it'd be awkward if Dracula appeared…"

"Nah, it'll be a great joke, Harl! 'Hey, Bela, you think _you've _got some creepy fetishes! Take a look at this!'"

Crane sighed, trying to force his attention back on the book. It was going to be a long night.


	5. Chapter 5

Count Dracula was a man who had had an admittedly interrupted existence for around six-hundred years. In those six-hundred years, he had had a multitude of servants, subjects, and general sycophants, but he had never been as annoyed by any of them as he was by Mr. Renfield.

The man had no concept of personal space. Which would have been fine, if Renfield had been an attractive woman, which was the type of people Dracula usually chose to serve him. But he wasn't. And his constant grovelling and demands for attention were really starting to grate on Dracula's nerves.

"Master, what is your will?" pestered Renfield, as Dracula paced the floor of the ruined church. "I burn to serve you!"

Dracula sighed. "My will is to be left alone, Mr. Renfield," he muttered. "I am trying to think of how I shall execute my revenge on my murderers."

"You are no doubt formulating a vast array of plans for the destruction of the infidels?" asked Renfield.

"Yes," agreed Dracula.

"Oh, I yearn to hear of them, Master!" sighed Renfield.

"Yes…maybe later," said Dracula, slowly. "For now, Mr. Renfield, why don't you find something useful to do with your time?"

"Command me, Master, and I will obey!" exclaimed Renfield.

"You don't have any free will of your own, Mr. Renfield?" sighed Dracula.

"My only will is to serve you, Master," said Renfield.

"Well, that's…wonderful," said Dracula, slowly.

"Give me a task, Master, an errand of any kind!" cried Renfield.

"All right," said Dracula, desperate to think of some way to get him out of his hair. "Why don't you…try and discover where the clowns are hiding? Once I have decided on the perfect method of destruction for them and their Bat-accomplice, I shall need to know where they are, and you shall need to invite me in."

"Oh yes, Master!" cried Renfield, bowing low. "I live to serve! This task is an honor beyond measure! I have only dreamed of being of such service to you, my Dark Light…"

"Yes, off you go," said Dracula, slamming the church door in his face. He rubbed his temples, resolving to have Harley as soon as possible, and the moment he did, to get rid of that useless, annoying waste of space.

…

Renfield left the church and wandered into central Gotham, where electronic stores and pawn shops displayed televisions in their windows that played the evening news. It was a rare night in Gotham City when the exploits of Batman or his rogues gallery weren't the main headlines being broadcast on most channels, and Renfield figured if he could ascertain where they were at the present time, he could find them and follow them back to their respective hideouts.

As he approached one of the stores, he was surprised to see two familiar figures standing by the window. "Somehow, Selina, I don't think vampires have made the evening news," said Poison Ivy to Catwoman, sarcastically. Renfield hid in the nearby alley, watching them closely, as they continued to stare at the television screen.

"I think it's a good place to start. Say what you want about the media – if they've got an attention grabbing scoop, they're not gonna check their facts first, they're just gonna broadcast it. And 'Blood-sucking vampire roams Gotham,' seems like a pretty attention grabbing headline to me."

"Shouldn't we just be looking in creepy churches or something?" asked Ivy, squinting as she read a sheet of paper from the light cast by the screens. "Says here that a vampire has to rest in unconsecrated ground, so those might be good places to check out."

"Ivy, there are probably about a thousand creepy churches in this city," retorted Selina. "In case you haven't noticed, this whole town is modeled on some emo's Gothic nightmare set against a film noir backdrop. I'm surprised we haven't had vampires sooner, actually."

"Well, it looks like the headlines mostly involve what kind of dog the mayor is thinking of getting," commented Ivy, looking at the TV screen.

"Slow news day, I guess," agreed Selina. "And I hate dogs. But it also means Batman isn't out stopping a crime tonight. Which means he could probably stop what he's doing and come help us out."

"No, Selina," snapped Ivy. "We don't need him. We're strong, empowered women…"

"Leave gender out of it for once, Ivy – it's got nothing to do with this," snapped Selina. "Batman is the World's Greatest Detective. If he can't find Dracula, no one can."

"You're starting to sound like Harley, becoming dangerously dependent on your man," retorted Ivy.

"You take that back," growled Selina, threateningly. "I am not like Harley. If anyone is dangerously dependent on men, it's you, Ivy. Maybe not one specific man, but everything you do in your life is based on getting some kinda revenge on mankind in general."

"I'm fighting the patriarchy!" shouted Ivy. "And resisting male oppression! If you don't support that, you might as well be a man!"

"At least I'm not a lunatic!" shouted Selina. "I'm not the one with the officially nuts certificate from Arkham! That means you're just as crazy as Harley, y'know!"

"If you want a fight, Selina, I'll give you one!" yelled Ivy.

"You know what, Ivy?" demanded Selina. She raised her fist, but instead of punching Ivy, she smashed it through the glass of the shop window. An alarm instantly began blaring as Selina turned to smile at her. "That's exactly what I want."

Ivy launched herself at her with a shriek. It didn't take long for a crowd to gather, watching the scuffle between the two. And it also didn't take long for a caped figure to come sailing in between them and breaking up the fight, dragging Ivy off Selina, who kept flailing her arms and trying to get back to her.

"I'll say one thing for you, tall, brooding, and handsome – you never disappoint," said Selina, smiling at him through a bleeding lip. "I knew a burglar alarm and a little scuffle would get your attention like nothing else. Especially if it was a girl on girl scuffle."

"Typical male – sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong," growled Ivy, cupping her own nose to stem the flow of blood. "Sorry to disappoint you by not tearing each other's clothes off."

"What's this about, Selina?" demanded Batman. "If you wanted my attention, you could have just called me."

"Little Miss Independent Woman here wouldn't let me," said Selina, nodding at Ivy. "But we need your help with this one, Bats. Dracula's back in town, and he's gunning for Harley."

Batman digested this information without the slightest hint of emotion. "Where is she?" he asked.

"Back at my place," said Selina. "She's being guarded by a bunch of your insane pals, but judging by their track record against you, I'd prefer it if you were there to handle things. If anyone can stop this vampire creep before he gets to her, it's you."

Batman nodded slowly. "Ok, let's go," he muttered, handcuffing their wrists together and then shooting the Batclaw to the rooft. "Hang on," he warned as he began reeling it in.

He soared up to the rooftops as Selina and Ivy were dragged behind him, Ivy shrieking all the way. Renfield followed along from the ground, watching their forms heading over the roofs high above him, and following Ivy's screams, until they entered a building. Renfield smiled, and then hurried back to his master.


	6. Chapter 6

"Puddin'?"

"Hmm?" muttered Joker, not looking up from the book he was reading. Selina had left a collection of books by her bed, and one of them, entitled _To Catch a Bat,_ had caught his eye.

"Your Harley girl is feeling a little frisky again," she purred, nuzzling against him. "You wanna rev up her engine?"

He turned to stare at her. "What, again? I ain't a goddamn machine, Harl! I ain't as young as you, kid, and I'm worn out, all right, you greedy little brat?!"

"I can't help it, puddin'," she murmured. "Being in danger like this just makes me feel in the mood for romance. The thought that any time could be my last time before I die just makes me wanna pin you down and ride you like there's no tomorrow."

The look in her eyes was crazy, dangerously crazy, and the Joker felt a little nervous, as much as he hated to admit it to himself. "All right, pooh, just…calm down," he stammered, edging away from her on the bed. "Remember there's a psychotic vampire out there who could drop in on us at any moment…"

"Mmm, puddin', you're just getting me more in the mood," she murmured, grinning. "Which is just what you want, isn't it, you naughty boy?"

"Harley, c'mon, really…I…I don't think I can…perform again," he stammered, dodging her as she reached for him.

"You need to have a little faith in yourself, Mr. J," she said. "And in me. I'm sure I can get the Big J to stand to attention again, with a little loving care and affection…"

"Harley, no. Harley, down! Harley, get offa me! Harley…"

There was a crash through the skylight, and suddenly Batman landed on the bed, dragging Selina and Ivy after him. "Thank God you're here!" cried Joker. "Get her away from me, Bats – she's a lunatic!"

"Geez, Bats, you sure know how to spoil a gal's fun!" sighed Harley in annoyance as Joker leaped off the bed and raced to hide behind Batman. "There's nothing more attractive than puddin' playing hard to get! And he would have enjoyed it anyway, the big baby!"

"Harley, this is no time for fun and games," snapped Batman. "Are you all right?"

"Aside from sexually frustrated, yeah," she muttered, folding her arms across her chest. "Honestly, Mr. J, maybe I should take up with that vampire creep! At least he'd probably treat me like a woman!"

"He's welcome to have you, Harley!" snapped Joker. "But I bet if he knew what a sex maniac you are, he wouldn't want you! Guys only have a certain amount of stamina, y'know!"

"And that's why women are the superior gender," said Ivy, smugly.

There was a knock on the bedroom door. "Is everything all right in there?"

"Y'know, Johnny, if we were actually under attack by a vampire, you'd be worse than useless," said Joker. "You shouldn't just knock on the door and ask if everything's all right when you hear shouts and crashing!"

"I've been hearing shouts and crashing for the last few hours," retorted Crane, opening the door and entering the room with Tetch following him. "I didn't want to interrupt anything."

"Bet you did, though," muttered Joker.

"What's he doing here?" demanded Crane on seeing Batman. "I thought we agreed we were going to handle this ourselves, Selina, without the help of delusional flying rodents."

"I think you could probably use my help," retorted Batman. "This guy Dracula is no joke."

"Boy, ain't that the truth," agreed Joker. "And he's got some sorta weird, creepy helper this time around, Bats. Some guy called Renfield?"

"He insulted me," sniffed Harley. "You're gonna make him pay for that, aren't you, Mr. J?"

"I dunno – was his insult rampant sex maniac?" demanded Joker. "Because there's no insult in speaking the truth!"

"In that case, you're all a bunch of idiots," retorted Batman. "This place isn't remotely safe from a vampire attack. Didn't you learn anything from our last encounter with Dracula, Joker?"

"Excuse me, but I think we're just as educated as you are about vampires, Batman," retorted Crane, bristling. "I made them a sheet of facts..."

"Ok, well, if the vampire has an accomplice, you definitely shouldn't be staying in an apartment complex, since the accomplice could just walk into the building and invite the vampire in, and they'd be able to go into any room inside it," said Batman. "You should have called me immediately – I would have taken Harley to the Batcave, which is virtually impenetrable, and then started hunting this vampire myself. He'd probably be dead already."

"Geez, Bats, you kill one vampire and suddenly you think you're an expert," said Joker, sarcastically. "Well, I'm betting I've seen a lot more vampire movies than you, and Johnny's read a lot more vampire books than you, so you're not the only one around here who knows stuff about vampires."

"Yes, for instance, in the book Dracula, when he first encounters Lucy, he doesn't need to be invited into her home," snapped Crane. "He uses his hypnotic powers to get inside her mind and calls her to come to him."

"Yeah, you forgot all about those mental hypnotic powers, didn't you, Batsy?" demanded Joker.

"Where is Harley?" asked Tetch suddenly.

"What do you mean, where's Harley, she's right…" began Joker, turning around. But he stopped speaking when he realized Harley had gone.

"Oh my God, the monster must have summoned her!" cried Crane. "She must have slipped out the door while we were arguing!"

They all raced to the window just in time to see a tall figure dressed in black standing outside, enfolding a hypnotized Harley in its dark cape.

"If you do not take greater care in locking up your precious jewels, they will be stolen from you, clown," said Dracula, smiling up at him.

"Don't presume to lecture me about stealing, pal!" shouted Joker. "I'm a convicted felon!"

"And yet you cannot keep a treasure like Harley safe," murmured Dracula, stroking her hair. "I should say your skills are somewhat lacking. Harley will never have to suffer your buffoonery again. She will take her place at my side while our armies of the Un-dead swarm over the earth. All of you shall be crushed in their path."

"Oh…yeah?" said Joker. "Think of a good retort, Batsy," he hissed.

"We'll see about that," growled Batman at Dracula.

Dracula flashed them a smile and then melted into the night, taking Harley with him.

"That was it?" demanded Joker. "'We'll see about that?'!"

"You think of a better one on the spur of the moment!" snapped Batman.

"This is no time for in-fighting – we have to save Harley," said Crane. "And soon. If Dracula decides to flee Gotham, we might never catch him, and Harley will be lost to us forever."

"No complaints here!" chuckled Joker. "She can be Bela's problem for all I care!"

"Well, I'm not leaving Harley in the clutches of that Un-dead creep," growled Ivy. "He's worse than you, J."

"Why Pammie, I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!" said Joker, grinning.

"I'm not letting an army of vampires take over my town," muttered Batman. "You can stay here, Joker, but the rest of us are going to find Harley."

Everyone followed Batman out of the room, leaving Joker alone. He lay down on the bed, sighing contentedly. "All this room to myself," he murmured. "And no whiny, clingy brat begging me for attention! I tell ya, this is the life."

He thought for a moment. "Course that does mean I have to train a whole new henchwench. And I gotta make her get used to pain, so she'll spend months crying before she enjoys it, just like Harley did at the beginning. And I'd have to put all that effort into being charming so I can seduce another dame. A lotta work, really. A lotta unnecessary work."

He sighed, sitting up and heading after Batman. "The things I do for that useless waste of space. She'd better appreciate this."


	7. Chapter 7

"You let go of me, you dumb bloodsucker!" cried Harley. Dracula had chosen to wake her from her trance once they arrived back at the abandoned church – he preferred his victims alive and kicking, if possible. Although he was beginning to regret his decision as Harley had done nothing from the moment she regained her senses but scream, fight, and struggle against him. Now he released her and she raced to the farthest corner of the church, crossing her fingers in front of her.

"You stay back!" she shouted. "I mean it!"

"Teach her to defy you, Master!" pleaded Renfield. "Show her the penalty for disobedience!"

"Is it a beating? I can take a beating!" retorted Harley. "Mr. J has taught me well! You can't make me do anything with pain! I'm too used to it!"

"Master will make you feel such pain as you have never known, slut!" shouted Renfield.

"Mr. Renfield, please let me handle this," snapped Dracula. "I have no intention of beating you, Harley. I am not that heartless clown."

"Don't talk about him that way!" shouted Harley. "Everything he does to me is for my own good! So that when bad guys kidnap me and try to get me to betray Mr. J, I can stand up to 'em! You do your worst, you bloodbank robber!"

"Don't tempt him, you little fool!" snapped Renfield.

"Mr. Renfield, I can speak for myself," snapped Dracula, his eyes glowing slightly red in annoyance. "Kindly wait outside, please. I can take care of this without your help."

"As you wish, Master," said Renfield. He shot a cruel smile at Harley before he left.

"Harley, I have no wish to hurt you," murmured Dracula, smiling kindly at her. "If you are willing to submit to me, having your blood drained will feel like the most pleasurable caress from a devoted lover…"

"I don't want pleasurable caresses from devoted lovers!" snapped Harley. "I wanna go back to my Mr. J! He didn't do any crap like that – when he bit me, it hurt, like it should!"

"I find you a fascinating young woman, Harley," said Dracula. "So different from the women I am used to encountering – most are completely entranced by me, so much so that it bores me. The women who really attract me are the ones who show resistance."

"You need to learn to respect women, pal," snapped Harley. "And that no means no."

"But you see, for many women, it doesn't," murmured Dracula, grinning. "It means 'convince me.' And I can be very, very persuasive, my dear."

He met her eyes. "Drop your hands," he murmured, nodding at the makeshift cross. "And come to me."

Harley gradually lowered her hands and approached him, staring enraptured into his eyes. "Good girl," he murmured, embracing her and pulling her close. He tilted her chin up, baring her neck as his mouth slowly came down…

And then he hissed in fury as Harley suddenly ripped out a crucifix necklace, slamming it against his forehead. He howled in pain as the metal seared his flesh, and fell back, his red eyes blazing in fury at Harley, who was smiling at him.

"Got ya, you Un-dead freak," she muttered. "The joke's on you now, ain't it? Don't you dare come near me again!"

Dracula hissed as he shielded his eyes from the object. "Renfield!" he snarled. "Come here!"

"I live to serve you, Master…" began Renfield, racing into the room.

"Take that…thing from her!" roared Dracula, covering the burn on his forehead. "And then take her to the vestry and guard her! I need to see to my wound…"

"Oh, let me bind it, Master…" began Renfield, racing over to coo over him.

"Thank you, no!" interrupted Dracula. "If you touch me again, I'm going to rip your head off your shoulders!"

"Same goes for you if _you _touch me again, you human leech!" called Harley after him as Dracula headed down to the crypt.

"Do not insult Master!" snapped Renfield, tearing the crucifix out of her hand and shoving her into the vestry.

"Why not? He insults you," she retorted. "You know, you really shouldn't work for a guy who don't treat you with respect."

"Master is the only one who deserves respect," retorted Renfield. "I am a mere insect in comparison to his greatness."

"Got some self-esteem issues, huh?" asked Harley. "As a former psychiatrist, I could probably help you with those."

"I don't want your help, strumpet!" snapped Renfield. "You are a mere insect in comparison to Master's greatness too, and you should feel honored he even deigns to look at a worthless creature like you, let alone choose you as his feeding vessel and bride!"

"And what lucky gal wouldn't wanna be that?" asked Harley, sarcastically. "I'm sure he's a real great guy and all, but I'm already with someone who's the greatest guy who ever lived, so Drac's gotta understand that I ain't gonna settle for hamburger when I already have steak."

"Master is the greatest man who ever lived!" retorted Renfield. "His power is beyond any mere mortal's! And he will reward those who serve him!"

"Yeah? How? By more rejection and insults?" asked Harley. "Anyway, if you're just serving someone in the hope of some reward, you're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you. You're being selfish, no matter how much you might profess your devotion to this guy. I mean, nobody could ever accuse my love for Mr. J of being selfish since the only rewards I get are few and far between," she sighed. "And anyway, what makes you think Drac is gonna reward you? He has a history of just kinda treating people like crap."

"It is only right that he rewards such loyalty, such unquestioning devotion…" began Renfield.

"Right, and he's a guy who always does what's right, huh?" asked Harley, skeptically. "Look, as a former psychiatrist, I've dealt with these personality types before. Self-absorbed narcissists, people who are so in love with themselves that they don't see or acknowledge any of the other people who helped them get where they are today. Thank God I don't have to deal with people like that anymore," she sighed. "Well, except Batman. But the point is, if you're holding out hope for recognition from Dracula, you're gonna have a long wait. The guy doesn't love anyone except himself."

"Don't presume to speak of his greatness, whore!" snapped Renfield. "You know nothing about him!"

"I know a egotistical psychopath when I see one," retorted Harley. "Deal with Batman a lot, like I said. I can spot 'em a mile off. And your so-called Master is definitely one of 'em. The sooner you wake up and realize that, the happier you'll be. After all, no one deserves to be chained to a selfish, cruel, heartless monster for the rest of their lives. I can't think of anything sadder than somebody serving a guy like that, day after day, being treated like crap and holding out hope of some reward that's never gonna come. Poor, delusional, obsessive bastards," she sighed. "Glad I ain't one of 'em."

Renfield said nothing, glaring at her. "I mean, you're worth a lot more than just being some maniac's doormat, aren't ya?" continued Harley. "I'm sure the real you is full of all kindsa great qualities. But Dracula's bringing out the worst in you – he's making you hide your good qualities and feed your bad ones. And that ain't healthy at all. C'mon, sit here next to me," she said, patting a chair. "And tell me about your childhood."

"I…had a very happy childhood," stammered Renfield. "A very happy childhood."

"Bet you miss it, huh?" asked Harley.

"My childhood?" he repeated.

"No – being happy," she replied. "Take it from me, the world's an awful place if you ain't."

"It…makes me happy to serve Master," stammered Renfield.

"You say that, but I don't see a smile on that face, Mr. Renfield," said Harley, shaking her head. "Not like me. I'm a happy gal. You're some nutjob's victim."

"I'm…not a victim," said Renfield, slowly.

"No, victims rarely think they are," sighed Harley. "Poor delusional bastards, like I said. You don't wanna be one of those for the rest of your life, do you, Mr. Renfield?"

She reached for some old, discarded Bible pages on the floor and turned them over, pulling a pen out of her pocket. "C'mon, sit down and tell me all about it," she said. "Dr. Quinzel is here for you."

Renfield slowly obeyed her, taking a chair next to her. He began speaking.


	8. Chapter 8

"I'm not gonna lie – this is the last place I kinda wanted to be right now," commented Joker, as he, Batman, Catwoman, Ivy, Tetch, and Crane stood outside the gates of Arkham Asylum. "If I didn't know better, Bats, I'd assume this was all an elaborate ploy just to put us back in here."

"I've told you, Joker, I analyzed Renfield here before I became a patient myself," retorted Crane. "Some of my notes should still be in his file – he might have mentioned a clue as to where his Master's whereabouts would be."

"It's a better plan than just scouring all of Gotham," admitted Batman.

"And you think they're just gonna let us see Renfield's file and then waltz outta there, huh?" asked Ivy. "I don't think I need to remind you, Batman, that most of us are inmates there."

"Most of us," agreed Selina, smugly.

"I'll tell them you're under my watch," replied Batman. "Normally I'd just let them keep you in Arkham, but I think it's good to have numbers when fighting Dracula. He can be a slippery character, so the more people to corner him, the better."

"Don't we count as slippery characters?" asked Joker, slightly offended. "But you only ever go up against us solo, or with your little bird pal…"

"Joker, are you actually trying to compare yourself to an Un-dead monster?" demanded Batman.

"Well yeah, in terms of threat," agreed Joker. "That jerk can pick off maybe one, two people per night – I can torch a whole orphanage, blow up a shopping mall, and go on a shooting spree in a hospital, and that's just before breakfast!"

"You don't spread your insanity the way Dracula spreads his vampire contagion, though," pointed out Tetch.

"Oh yeah? What about Harley?" demanded Joker.

"That's one," agreed Tetch. "But the vampire spreads his disease exponentially."

"Meaning?" demanded Joker.

"Meaning that the growth rate of the value of the mathematical function is proportional to the function's current value…" began Tetch.

"Meaning that within a few days, this city could be overrun with vampires," interrupted Crane. "We could be looking at a veritable plague of the Un-dead."

"And it doesn't need that on top of the plague of lunatics it's already got," agreed Selina.

"Starting with your boyfriend," retorted Ivy.

"All of you need to shut up," snapped Batman. "Let's just get in there and get out with as little drama as possible."

"Good luck to us," said Selina, sarcastically.

"Batman…I'll get Dr. Leland," said the receptionist, taking one look at Batman followed by the gallery of rogues. She hurried off and returned a few moments later with Dr. Leland following her.

"Batman, what an unexpected surprise to see you with the inmates…not handcuffed," Dr. Leland said, puzzled.

"We're not staying, Doc," chuckled Joker. "Just popped in for some info, and then we'll get outta your hair."

"It's a bit of a delicate situation, Dr. Leland," said Batman. "If we could talk privately about it…"

"All of you?" asked Dr. Leland, skeptically.

"Yes, I think that's best for now," agreed Batman.

"I'm not sure you'll all fit in my office," said Dr. Leland. "But come along."

They followed her back down the hall and into her office, which they all managed to squeeze into, although it was anything but roomy. "So what is it?" asked Dr. Leland, managing to pull out her chair and sit at her desk.

"This is going to sound kind of hard to believe, but there's a vampire running loose in Gotham," said Batman. "Count Dracula, actually."

Dr. Leland stared at him. "Dracula?" she repeated. "Like the guy from the movies?"

"Actually, he was first referenced in the novel by Bram Stoker," spoke up Crane. "Who took the name from the historical fifteenth-century Wallachian warlord, Vlad Dracula, which loosely translates as 'Son of the Dragon' or 'Son of the Devil,' which has much more sinister connotations…"

"Thanks, Professor, but we don't have time for a lecture right now," interrupted Joker. "See, Dr. Leland, this Dracula creep is being helped out by a former inmate of this institution, a guy which, ironically, Johnny used to analyze."

"Mr. Renfield?" said Dr. Leland, raising her eyebrows. "So he wasn't just babbling mindlessly?"

"Apparently not," agreed Crane. "Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are."

Dr. Leland sighed. "I suppose I should have been suspicious of your diagnosis anyway, Jonathan, considering you later went crazy yourself," she said.

"Anyway, this Dracula creep's got Harley," said Ivy. "So we need to see if Renfield's file gives any clue as to where they might be hiding out."

Dr. Leland sighed again, squeezing her way over to the filing cabinet. "If it's not you people causing trouble in this city, it's vampires or God knows what else," she muttered. "What's next for Gotham – an invasion of zombies?"

"We'll have to see how desperate the writers get for ideas!" chuckled Joker. "Usually when they run out of 'em, they just rewrite the whole universe in a much worse way, and call it the New number-something-or-other."

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Ivy. "What writers? What universe?"

"There's no point in listening to his mindless nonsense, Pamela," snapped Crane, taking the file from Dr. Leland.

"The things Joker says are an insult to nonsense," muttered Tetch.

Crane scanned through his notes. "There's a lot of talk about the Master's imminent arrival, the streets will run red with blood, the darkness will consume the souls of the innocent, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish…"

"Did he say where the Master's arrival will be?" asked Batman.

"He didn't give me an address, no," snapped Crane. "But he did give me some vague rambling…here!" he said, pointing to a page. "'The Master will arrive in screams and blood and mist, on the night of the full moon, in a place where the dead meets the living, and the cross crosses the scribe.'"

Everyone stared at him. "What?" snapped Batman.

"The cross crosses the scribe," repeated Crane. "That's what it says."

"But that doesn't make any sense!" retorted Batman.

"Sorry, you were expecting lunatic ramblings to do that?" asked Selina, sarcastically.

"It's actually not nonsense," spoke up Tetch. "It's a riddle. It obviously means something, and we've been given the clues to figure it out. We just need to figure out what they are."

"I could probably figure it out if I had some time," muttered Batman.

"We don't have a lot of time, Batman," snapped Ivy. "Harley's in danger now, so we need to answer this thing ASAP. And there's a guy in here who could help us with that."

Everyone looked at her reluctantly. "But we don't like to encourage him, Pamela…" began Crane.

"Yeah, if he starts thinking he's useful, he could get even more egotistical than usual, and nobody wants to see that," agreed Joker. "Plus I'd rather Harley die than admit we need him."

"I'm not surprised, J," sighed Ivy. "C'mon, let's just bite the bullet and see him."

"He's in the infirmary at the moment, after his last encounter with Batman," said Dr. Leland, leading them down the hall. "But I think he should be as personable as he usually is."

Batman hung back for a moment, taking the time to call Alfred on his wrist communicator and asking him to look up churches built on crossroads in Gotham. Then he joined the others in the infirmary, where Edward Nygma lay in a hospital bed, looking even more smug than usual.

"So, I understand you all need me to help you," he said. "Your poor, inferior minds have broken under the strain of a simple riddle, and so you come crawling to me, the intellectually superior, for help."

"Skip the gloating, Nygma," growled Ivy. "We need to know what this means: the place where the cross crosses the scribe."

Nygma snorted. "You call that a challenging riddle? I've stumped Batman with ones half as hard as those!"

"Ok, so what's the answer?" asked Batman.

"Well, allow me to illustrate how to solve a riddle," replied Nygma. "First you have to ask yourself what type of riddle this is? You need to think of practical, everyday items, but use your admittedly limited cognitive abilities to put a creative twist on the mundane objects you see before you. It requires ingenuity in thinking, that only a genius like myself possesses. You must solve multiple elements all at once, multi-tasking as only a privileged mind can do…"

"It's the church on the intersection of Stoker and Abraham street," interrupted Batman, for Alfred had just given him the answer. "Cross, meaning a church, crosses, meaning a crossroad, and scribe meaning the writer of _Dracula_, Bram, or Abraham, Stoker. Let's go," he snapped, heading for the door. Everyone raced out, leaving Nygma alone.

"Yes, I…I knew that!" he called after them. "I was just about to tell you that!"

"Nobody cares, Eddie!" shouted Joker. "Batman solved a riddle before you did! How does that make you feel?"

And even though Nygma was still recovering from numerous broken bones, he had to admit, that revelation hurt him more. A lot more.


	9. Chapter 9

"So your fear of disappointing Dracula comes from your fear of disappointing your father all those years ago," said Harley, scribbling away on the piece of paper while Renfield sat in the chair in front of her, sobbing into his hands.

"Yes! Yes! Nothing I did was ever good enough for Father!" he cried. "I tried so hard to please him, and I never could! I was never a good enough son!"

"And your obsessive compulsion to serve Dracula comes from wanting to show your father that you won't fail, that you can do something right and stick to it," said Harley. "Since your father is dead, you see an Un-dead creature as the best of both worlds, a compromise between the living and the dead. A father figure who is alive, so you have a chance to show him what a good son you are, and also dead, like your own father. Your obsession is also fueled by your hatred for women, which stems from your mother leaving you at a young age. You see all women as flighty and non-committal, and deserving of pain. And so now that you know where your issues come from, Mr. Renfield, I think you can start to work on them and improve yourself. You need to learn to forgive yourself for your childhood – nothing about it was your fault. And you don't have to prove yourself to anyone anymore."

"Oh, Harley, you've given me a whole new perspective on life!" cried Renfield, gratefully, taking her hands. "I'm so sorry for everything I said about you! You've helped me see the light!"

"Hey, that's my job," said Harley, shrugging. "Or it was, and I was pretty darn good at it, if I do say so myself."

"You've done what hundreds of Arkham psychiatrists could never do!" sobbed Renfield. "Oh Harley, I'm so grateful! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" he said, falling to his knees in front of her.

"Mr. Renfield, what's going on here? Why are you crying?" demanded a voice. They turned to see Dracula standing in the doorway to the vestry, a torn strip of cloth around his forehead that didn't quite cover the cross burn.

"You can still see it, Dracky," said Harley, indicating his forehead.

He growled in annoyance, adjusting the bandage. "Without a reflection, it's difficult to tell sometimes," he muttered. "Now what on earth is going on here? You're meant to be guarding Harley, Mr. Renfield, not worshipping her."

"But I do worship her, Master," replied Renfield. "She has saved my life!"

"No, _I _have saved your life, remember?" demanded Dracula. "Your devotion to me has given you purpose…"

"But Harley has helped me see how mistaken that purpose is," replied Renfield. "She's helped convince that it's best to come to terms with my obsessive tendencies in a safe, nonviolent manner."

"Yeah, violence has never solved anything," agreed Harley.

"You'll permit me to disagree, of course," snapped Dracula. "When I was alive, violence helped me win wars, and now that I am Un-dead, violence sometimes becomes the only resort to getting what I want since those around me choose to be difficult," he snapped, seizing Harley's arm and dragging her toward him.

He hissed and released her suddenly to shield his eyes, and Harley turned to see Renfield holding up the cross he had confiscated from her. "You will not hurt her," he growled.

"How dare you defy me?!" roared Dracula, his eyes red and blazing fury behind his fingers.

"For Harley, I would defy you a thousand times!" snapped Renfield. "Now run, Harley! Get out of here!"

Harley didn't need to be told twice. She raced past them, heading for the door of the church. She wrenched it open, and screamed as she suddenly came face-to-face with Batman.

"I'm betting that's not the first time someone's screamed in your face, and it probably won't be the last!" chuckled a familiar voice.

"Puddin'!" shrieked Harley, leaping into his arms. "Oh, you came to rescue me!"

"Mostly we came to teach that blood-sucking creep a lesson about stealing other people's property," said Joker, glaring at Dracula as they all entered the church.

"I tend to prefer my servants to be attractive women," said Dracula, shrugging.

"Well, you and me both, brother!" chuckled Joker. "I'm quite the ladykiller. Killed a lotta ladies in my time."

"Just like a man," sighed Ivy. "Thinking that women are just objects men can steal away from each other, with no free will of their own. If you men hadn't been arguing, Dracula never would have been able to kidnap Harley in the first place."

"Oh, and what were you women doing, Pammie?" snapped Joker.

"…watching you argue," she retorted. "You men shouldn't have been distracting us!"

"Stop arguing, both of you," said Batman. "We have to be united against this guy."

"And you think you can defeat me?" demanded Dracula. "You pitiful band of mortals, against a being who has lived for centuries, striking fear and terror into the hearts of millions?"

"I think I've done that last bit," commented Joker.

"Yes, and it wouldn't be the first time a band of mortals has defeated you, would it?" asked Crane.

"If you are referring to a certain instance in London, I can assure you, those events have been greatly exaggerated," snapped Dracula.

"Still, they won, didn't they?" asked Joker, smiling. "You think after losing so many times, you'd just give up and stay dead."

"Sometimes we wish you'd all do that," muttered Batman. "Except for the dead part. I don't believe in killing."

"Thank God some of us do," said Joker, pulling out his knife. The rest of the Rogues also produced weapons, advancing on Dracula.

He smiled. "Fortunately I have other servants at my disposal," he said, raising a hand.

A flurry of bats flew out from the crypt and began attacking the Rogues. Dracula took advantage of the confusion to race for the church door, but Renfield got there first, blocking his path with the raised cross.

And then suddenly all the bats flew off. Everyone turned to see Batman holding a small spray can. "You have Bat repellant on your utility belt?" asked Selina, incredulously.

"We don't like them hanging around the Batcave sometimes – they make a mess," muttered Batman. "Sadly it doesn't work on vampires."

"We don't wanna repel him – we got him just where we want him," said Joker, smiling at Dracula.

"You think you have me trapped," said Dracula, as everyone spread out, blocking any conceivable windows and exits. "But you do not. This is not the end. I have lived for hundreds of years, and will live hundreds more. I am a patient man, and I have all the time in the world. Even if my existence is ended now, it will go on. I will return…"

He gasped as Renfield suddenly lunged forward, plunging a knife into his heart. This was followed by Crane's scythe quickly beheading the corpse, which disintegrated instantly into a pile of ash.

"That's quite enough of that, thank you," murmured Crane. "I think we've all heard enough megalomaniacal rants to last us a lifetime."

"Oh puddin', you saved me!" cried Harley, leaping into Joker's arms again and hugging him tightly.

"But…but _I _killed Dracula," stammered Crane, his face falling.

"Yeah, but if I know puddin', he was the one leading the charge," cooed Harley, stroking Joker's hair. "He just couldn't bear to be apart from his Harley girl for one second longer, could you, puddin'?"

"That's right, pooh bear," agreed Joker, smiling at Crane. "Whatever would I do without my sweet little pumpkin pie?"

Harley squeaked happily, kissing him as Crane glared at them.

"I am happy to have been of service to you in some small way, Harley," said Renfield, bowing slightly to her. "Though I will be forever in your debt."

"Hang on, I thought you were working for Dracula," said Ivy, confused. "Why did you just kill him?"

"I gave him some therapy, Red," explained Harley. "I told him no one should live their life serving some heartless, self-absorbed creep who didn't even acknowledge their existence. Nobody wants to be some wacko's victim for the rest of their life."

Ivy stared at her. "_You _told him that?!" she demanded.

"Hey, I acknowledge her existence!" snapped Joker. "I just sometimes wish she didn't exist."

"Aw, puddin', you're such a kidder!" sighed Harley, kissing him again.

"I don't even know why I bother sometimes," muttered Crane, cleaning the blood off his scythe as he bent down to examine Dracula's ashes.

"What do you suppose the best thing to do with these is?" asked Tetch.

"I'll take them," growled Batman, bending down to scoop them up, and depositing them in a vial in his utility belt. "We don't need another nutjob getting ahold of them."

"In that case, you'd better leave them alone, Bats!" chuckled Joker. Batman didn't respond, but slapped a pair of Batcuffs on his and Harley's wrists.

"Arkham," he snapped. "Now."

"Well, I suppose there are worse places to spend Halloween," sighed Joker. "I mean, being locked up with Harley is gonna be scary enough."


	10. Chapter 10

"Do cheer up, Jonathan," said Tetch. "At least we managed to escape while Batman was rounding up the others, and we're at liberty this Halloween."

"Yes, there is that, I suppose," sighed Crane, his arms folded across his chest as they stood in line at the movie theater.

"And you did kill Dracula," continued Tetch. "That's a pretty impressive achievement, wouldn't you agree?"

"Yes, I suppose so," sighed Crane again.

"You mustn't let your favorite holiday be ruined just because Harley wasn't impressed," finished Tetch.

"Well, I am looking forward immensely to seeing this movie," admitted Crane. "There is nothing like a good, old-fashioned ghost story, and that's exactly what this is. The novel is a favorite of mine, as is the theatrical production, and I'm sure the movie will be equally terrifying. As long as…" he paused, looking around the line.

"As long as what?" asked Tetch.

Crane sighed. "Audiences have this terribly annoying habit in horror films of screaming, which I don't mind. But then rather than embrace the fear, they start laughing to break the tension, and I can't bear that. It's entirely the wrong response for being frightened, and it reminds me of that laughing hyena whom Harley prefers for some reason."

"I'm sure they won't laugh," said Tetch. "If it's as scary as you claim, Jonathan, they'll probably be too frightened to do anything but just stare in horror at the screen."

"I do hope you're right," muttered Crane. "With the mood I'm in, I'd be tempted to do something desperate."

Unfortunately for this particular audience, they did indeed laugh at the movie. Tetch felt Crane tense up next to him, and after about three laughs, he murmured, "Jervis, you should step outside briefly, please."

Tetch didn't need to be told twice. He raced out of the screen and purchased another bucket of popcorn as he heard horrible screaming from inside. When the screaming stopped at last, he re-entered the screen, where Crane sat in the middle of several corpses, fear frozen forever on their dead faces, and the lingering scent of fear gas in the air.

"Popcorn?" asked Tetch, sitting back down and holding out the bucket.

"Thank you," he said, taking some and smiling. "That's quite cheered me up, you know, Jervis. Nothing like terrifying the life out of annoying randomers."

"Indeed," agreed Tetch. "It's certainly the spirit of the season."

**The End **


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